Ivory and Gold
by Kodalyc
Summary: A series of one-shots about Helen and Aline.
1. Musings

**Note: This story contains information included in Cassie's snippets of QoAaD and RSoM so don't read if you haven't read those already. I don't own any of the characters.**

Helen quietly woke up for apparently no reason. Nightmares would wake her up but she only had them when Aline wasn't sleeping next to her, which happened a few times during their years in Wrangel Island when one of them had to stay up working. Helen always wanted to stay and let Aline sleep because she couldn't sleep well without her wife anyway but Aline rarely let her. So, on those nights, without Aline's steady breaths and heartbeats, the sounds that Helen focused on before falling asleep, her nightmares would plague her. They consisted of her siblings being torn away from her and she kept trying to reach them without success or she relived moments from the Dark War as she walked around Alicante, which had been washed of blood that had spilled from the dead bodies of the Endarkened, fairies and Nephilim, they were everywhere she looked. But the worst of them was the one where she's looking for Aline after the War was over and she can't find her at all, she keeps calling and calling her name and desperation builds up in her until it takes over and she wakes up with a start to an empty bed beside her and runs towards Aline, begging her to go to bed with her. It's like even her subconscious knows when Aline is not around her.

But Aline was next to her now. Her arm was draped over Helen's stomach and the blonde's left hand was resting on top of it. Helen could also feel her wife's breaths tingling her right arm gently. She turned her head around and placed a kiss on Aline's forehead. She was sound asleep.

She closed her eyes and tried to focus on the sound of Aline's heartbeat, that was her favorite way to use her enhanced hearing. She knew she could get more in touch with her fey heritage and be even more powerful, maybe even learn magic which would be helpful in her work with the wards, but she had never wanted to after falling in love with Aline. It terrified that in doing so she'd become more like a Fairy and could potentially use love as a weapon like the Fair Folk are known to do, and just the thought of hurting Aline was too much for her to bear.

She knew her wife had more faith in her than she had herself, they had talked about Helen's fears after Aline kept pressing her about what was bothering her after she got back from Idris. Helen only opened up after realizing that Aline thought that she was having second thoughts about marrying her, that she didn't _want_ to marry her anymore. Helen then reassured that she did want to marry her, more than anything, but that she was afraid she was being selfish and maybe even luring Aline into something horrible. Her fears seemed stupid and baseless when Aline moved closer to her, held her hands and whispered an inch from her face.

"Do you really believe that? That you'll willingly hurt me? That you're selfish even though I made the decision to be here because I want to be with you?" Her brown eyes were warm and searching. Helen just shook her head as tears came down her face. "I love you so much. More than anything in the whole wide world." Helen said as she hugged her then-girlfriend tightly and buried her face on her hair. Aline had calmed her fears but Helen was still reluctant in getting closer to fey side, especially since they were living in the Cold Peace.

She was glad she hadn't let her insecurities stop her from marrying Aline because it had been the happiest day of her life. And every night since then she would trace her fingers on her wife's wedding rune over her heart, the one she had drawn herself, to remind her that there was utmost happiness even in the darkest of times.

Her attention turned towards the sound of crashing waves somewhere outside the Institute though, unwillingly. It had been only a couple days since they had moved there after Aline's mom, the Consul, managed to get them, or just Aline officially really, to fill in the position as Institute Head for the Los Angeles location. Helen looked at her wife in utter shock and disbelief when she told her they were going to go to LA on that very same night, with Mark, so Inquisitor Dearborn wouldn't be able to question them and also that way LA would get a Head who was in the Blackthorn family and Aline and Helen would finally get out of Wrangel Island, at least temporarily, but Jia had promised she'd make it permanent somehow.

"I thought you'd be happier to hear you're going home." Aline had said in confusion when Helen looked blank and didn't say anything.

"I...I am. I just can't believe it I guess." Aline reached for her hand and placed the other around the back of her head pulling her towards her as she whispered that it was real, that they'd get to go home. Being back in LA was hard though, she had lost so much of her siblings' lives during those 5 years that she felt lost around them and the Institute. Even around Mark things weren't as easy anymore. He had changed so much during his time in the Hunt that even Helen being half-fey like him didn't help her much in feeling comfortable around him. The only time she ever truly did feel at home was in Aline's arms at night when they held each other.

She turned her head towards her wife again but this time she only looked at her. She was beautiful, Helen had always thought so, from the very first moment she had laid eyes on her at the Rome Institute. Helen couldn't help but stare and she even lost her train of thought, Aline was just crazy attractive to her, their chemistry had been there from the start.

Helen moved her right hand to gently run the back of her index finger through her wife's soft cheek. Helen then turned her whole body around to face Aline and moved her right arm to place the upper part under her head and then bended her forearm to run her fingers through Aline's black straight hair.

She knew there were over 1 billion Chinese people and Aline's hair was just that of millions of others. Except for Helen it wasn't. Nothing about Aline felt ordinary to her. She was everything to her and the love they had for one another was that kind that people searched the whole world over for and many just settled for something that wasn't even half as true as their love was.

She was lucky to be one of the few people who found that kind of love. Falling in love with Aline was the craziest thing that had ever happened to her. It was so fast, one day Aline was a complete stranger and a few days after that she was already the center of her whole world. It felt natural and hopeless, there was nothing Helen could do but to give out her heart completely to the almond-shaped eyed girl that was lying in front of her now. Not that she would ever want to fight it, loving Aline and being loved in return was the best thing in her life. And when she realized that Aline was crazy about her too their relationship developed quickly. Their first goodbye (out of only 3) after a few weeks together in Rome was torture. Helen didn't know how she was going to stay in LA without Aline, she craved her touch every day. Them being apart only lasted a few days though because Aline went to stay in LA with Helen since she didn't really like the way her parents had reacted to them being together and felt uncomfortable around them, plus she just wanted to be with Helen all the time.

Helen hugged Aline so tight when she arrived and said "I'm not letting you go ever again." And if the Clave hadn't exiled her she would have kept her promise. A couple weeks after Aline's arrival in LA they exchanged family rings. It had been Helen's idea because she couldn't imagine not waking up next to her girlfriend every day but she didn't think they were quite ready for marriage yet, Aline had only recently turned 18. Exchanging rings meant a great deal to Shadowhunters, it was a promise to get married and everyone around them was surprised when they did it after only a couple months of dating, but Helen couldn't be more sure of how she felt towards the Penhallow girl. It wasn't just a teenage infatuation and the fact that they got married around 2 years after that proved that to everyone who side-eyed them. And Helen was sure that quite a few people judged Aline to be crazy for following Helen to Wrangel Island but, even though it wasn't the life she wanted Aline to have at all, she knew they couldn't live without each other.

They had been together for 5 years now, almost 3 of marriage and nothing had changed. They were still as in love as ever, Aline's lips were just as soft against hers, her touch still sent shivers all over her body and she desired Aline just as badly, she needed their physical closeness every day. And even though living in Wrangel Island was far from what they wished for they built a life for themselves, a routine of sorts. They both cooked and took turns for every meal, they worked and trained together and they also entertained each other most of the time since the Island didn't offer much in that regard. Aline had gotten Helen into reading more and in turn Helen got Aline into watching American movies and TV shows. She was against it at first, since she grew up in Idris without TV or Internet, her only contact with mundane culture were the books she'd read, which were all Literature, History and poetry so she didn't feel like they should get into mundane things that much, but Helen eventually convinced her and they made a habit of watching something cuddled up together almost every night.

It was still too early to tell how their routine would turn out to be in Los Angeles but Helen was sure of one thing: that they'd fall asleep in each other's arms night after night.


	2. Sentence

**One Shot – Sentence**

Helen found herself in Aline's room. Her memories were a blur, both in her mind as she tried to recalled them and back when it actually happened. She had been crying so badly that she couldn't see much, but she vaguely remembered holding Aline's hand as they walked, she must have led them to her bedroom in the Consul's house after the Council session. They hadn't talked at all since the Clave had decided Helen's fate and she was sentenced to live in Wrangel Island indeterminately. Helen was too heartbroken to find her words and she couldn't even form any logical thoughts because she had been to overcome by sadness and anger and frustration and indignation.

She felt like she was being treated so unfairly. She had chosen to be a Shadowhunter, had been raised as one by her father and Eleanor. She had always done things right by the Law, had fought on the war _against_ Sebastian and his army of Endarkened and fairies. She had always acknowledged her faerie background but she had never wanted to join them or live with or like them. She wasn't ashamed of who she was, she even often showcased her pointed ears, but she had never let it define her. She _was_ a Shadowhunter just like anyone else in the Clave. But at the same time she half expected something to happen to her when she saw what the Nephilim were doing to the Fey with the Cold Peace and all, she knew that no matter how much she had shown over the years that she was a Shadowhunter, her faerie blood would speak louder than her actions. She just didn't expect to be ripped away from her family and basically the community too, she knew how deserted and isolated Wrangel Island was. Her siblings, who had already lost so much, would lose her too.

She ran her hands through her hair and let out a heavy breath. Where was Aline anyway? She forced herself to remember and recalled that she said she'd be right back and left.

Aline.

A sudden terror ran through her so horribly that she got up from the bed and tried to find something to do with herself. She hadn't really thought about what the Clave's decision would do to them until now.

As much as she was heartbroken to leave her siblings behind she knew that nothing could change the fact that they were family. There was no distance too far or a period of time too long that would change the bloodline they shared. Maybe their bond would weaken because they would no longer be living under the same roof but there were ways around that and Helen promised herself she would keep in touch with them as much as she possibly could. And there would be Uncle Arthur and a tutor to look after them, and she knew Julian would step up to the occasion and take care of their younger siblings too.

But Aline…Aline was different, right? A romantic relationship demanded physical presence and even though she believed that long-distance could work, and they had even done it for a while after Italy, it was different now. They had made it through their time apart because they were committed to each other, they talked everyday and they could visit each other, if it got too bad they could just Portal to Idris or LA and be together, even if it was for a little while. And they had in fact done that. Aline had stayed in LA with her for a few weeks and then Helen had gone to Idris while ago to stay with her girlfriend. But now that wouldn't be possible anymore. Helen had been exiled, she couldn't leave Wrangel Island at all unless the Clave allowed her to do so and she knew they wouldn't anytime soon, and no one could visit her either. Basically, she wouldn't see her girlfriend again for who knows how long. Years probably. She knew what that meant. Their relationship would never survive like that.

She crumbled to the floor and hugged herself tightly and buried her face on her knees, her back to the bed frame. She was crying again and this time it was even worse, she felt like she was choking and her chest had tightened. Her heart was broken into a million different pieces. As much as she knew she couldn't live without Aline she couldn't bring herself to ask her to go with her. How could she? She didn't even know if she would be allowed in the first place but even if she was Helen wouldn't want that for her. She had pictured their future together, them getting married one day not too long from now and sharing a life forever. A happy life and not a life of deprivation at a God-forsaken frozen wasteland.

Aline was from two very good Shadowhunter families, both with histories of running Institutes and respected members. Her mother was the freaking Consul for heaven's sakes. Helen knew Aline had the brightest future ahead of her. She couldn't take that away from her. Even if it meant they wouldn't be together. She loved her that much. More than she ever thought she could love someone.

"Hey." She heard Aline's soft voice and her hands on her, one on her arm and the other on her head. Helen looked up, her girlfriend's face was a mask of worry and sadness. "Come on." She said and pulled Helen up. She wiped the tears off her face, placed a kiss on her cheek and hugged her. Helen allowed herself to wrap her arms around the shorter girl's frame. She tried to lose herself in it, not really letting her mind think that this could possibly be the last time. Aline broke the hug and sat down on the bed, she held her hand and motioned for Helen to sit down too.

"I was talking to Robert. I asked him to let me go with you and he allowed me to." She was talking about Robert Lightwood, the Inquisitor and as such he was in charge of determining the conditions of Helen's exile. He also happened to be a family friend of the Penhallows. Someone who had known Aline since she was a child and it was no surprise that he would bend to her wishes.

"What? Aline, no. You can't!" Helen said loudly, looking shocked and exasperated at the brunette in front of her.

"Yes, I can. I'm 18 and I made the decision to go with you and the Inquisitor has given me the clear to be with you there." She explained matter-of-factly. Aline had this really tough exterior and she didn't usually leave a good first impression on people, but over time she loosened up and Helen found her to be actually quite sensitive and soft. She was still tough and she kept a brave face in most situations, but if she cared about something or someone she was fiercely protective and loyal. Helen admired that about her, how she kept her cool in most situations, even in awful situations like when the Los Angeles Institute had been attacked and just a couple hours ago when Helen was officially exiled. She didn't know what she would have done if she had broken down like Helen herself had. Aline was her rock, her strength and she had kept her sane when her family's world was falling apart.

"No, I mean you can't do that to your life. You don't deserve this, you did nothing wrong, you _are_ nothing wrong." She said bitterly.

"Well, and neither are you! The Clave just wants to make an example out of you. They're just blinded by hatred and bigotry towards the faeries." She sounded mad and frustrated. She paused and then continued, softly. "Plus, what would it be of my life without you? How could I live with myself knowing you were there by yourself? I could never do that."

"It's not what I want for you, Aline. It's not what I wanted for us." Helen said sadly.

"I know but what is the alternative? Break up? Is that what you want?" Helen knew Aline was staring furiously at her but couldn't look her in the eye.

Aline was right, she knew. These were the options they were faced with and they were both horrible. One meant they would both be heartbroken and unhappy and the other meant Aline would be forced into an exile that she would had never been forced to hadn't it been for Helen but at least they would be together. That was something, right? Maybe that was everything, really. Everything she had right now.

"Helen? Is that what you want?" Aline was impatient.

"No, Aline. Of course that's not what I want. I don't _want_ any of this." She ran her hand through her hair in frustration.

"Well, I meant when I said forever, did you?" Aline sounded accusatory and insecure. Helen felt a pang in her chest. Having Aline doubt the truthfulness of her feeling hurt. She thought she had done and said enough for her to believe that she loved her more than anything but maybe she hadn't.

"You know I did. I'm just faced with an awful situation, okay? I just want you to be happy." She was looking at her girlfriend straight in the eyes now.

"Well, I won't be happy without you so…" She shrugged. Helen let out a long breath.

"Okay." She said and Aline looked at her dubiously. "No, you're right. Neither of us will be happy if we're apart." Helen looked down again, she could barely explain what she was feeling. Aline wrapped her hand at the back of her neck and kissed her forehead.

"I love you." She whispered, the top of their heads touching.

"I love you too. Forever."


	3. Grief

**Note: I have no idea if Shadowhunters actually celebrate these holidays like mundanes do but for the sake of this fic let's say the do ;) And this one shot was inspired by one of Cassie's latest snippets which includes Helen and Mark so if you're trying to be spoiler-free until December 4** **th** **when QoAaD comes out then don't read ahead.**

Helen looked around at her siblings with hopelessness. They were broken, just as she was, by Livvy's death. She wanted to reach out and do something or say something that would comfort them. But even though they shared a bloodline and had remained in contact over the years, there was a feeling of strangeness between them. Or maybe she was the one that was the stranger. She felt disconnected to her brothers and sisters, in a way that kept her back from reaching out to comfort them, mostly because she felt inadequate to do so.

She looked over at Mark, her only full sibling, and his expression mirrored hers. That actually gave her some ease. Mark had told her how hard it had been to return, how he felt much like she was feeling now. By now he had stayed with them for a few weeks but clearly he still felt somewhat awkward. Both their advances to comfort Tavvy and Dru had failed. They didn't even try Ty. Helen only had some success with Julian, but he had just let her hold him as he cried on her shoulder. She knew his tears were coming not just from a grieving brother but also from her Jules, the boy who had taken too much responsibility at too young an age and was now finally having someone older than him to lean on.

The siblings quietly, one by one, went to bed and Helen made her way to the library where she knew she would find Aline. She read every night. At first she would find a quiet place to read by herself, she liked being alone - which Helen couldn't really understand - but she had convinced her then girlfriend to read next to her while she did something else, a lot of the times she just cuddled up on her, almost falling asleep because she would run her hand ever so gently on her arm or her hair. Aline was keeping her distance now, though, like she had done in Idris when her siblings had gone to stay with them after the attack on the Institute. She wasn't being withdrawn exactly, she just gave Helen and her siblings space to work things out but making it clear at the same time that she was there if they needed anything. And Helen needed her, more now than she did then. Her wife was all she had, she was the only one who really knew her anymore.

The room was mostly dark. Aline was sitting on chair with a faint witchlight next to her, just enough so the pages were readable. She looked up and put the book down. Helen took her outstretched hand and sat sideways on her lap and Aline immediately wrapped her arms around her and intertwined her own fingers. Helen had her head down and Aline lifted her own head to kiss her temple.

"I don't know what to do with them, how to deal with them and what they're going through." Helen confessed, she didn't try to seem strong like she was doing with her younger siblings, Aline always saw right through her anyway.

"Don't put too much pressure on yourself and don't push it with them. Remember you're going through the same thing. If you're unsure of what to do then just don't do anything, just be there for them and give them some time. Everyone grieves differently and there's only one of you. You can't expect to cater to everyone's needs all the time." Aline replied levelly.

She should know about comforting, right? She had comforted Helen countless times over the years.

"And I'm not that great at comforting, am I?" She said sadly.

 _It had been just over a month since Helen got sent to Wrangel Island. She hadn't yet adapted to the cold or the loneliness and complained and cried constantly to her girlfriend, who never said anything and was always there to comfort her._

" _Hey, I was thinking about making some Chinese food tonight, what do you think?" Aline told her excitedly. She did that a lot, seemed happy around her and tried to make her feel better. Helen hated to crush her excitement or happiness but she did that quite a few times, maybe more than she was willing to admit._

" _You know I'm not a big fan." She replied flatly and surprisingly a flash of hurt passed through her girlfriend's face. Aline rarely showed pain or hurt, especially recently, so Helen immediately regretted her words._

" _Baby, I'm sorry. Let's have Chinese tonight, that would be great." Helen said._

" _You don't have to say that just to make me feel better. Just forget I said anything." Aline said before hastily leaving. Throughout the day Helen tried being nice and sweet to her girlfriend but she wasn't having it. She barely spoke all day._

" _Aline, please talk to me." She begged over dinner._

" _Today's Chinese New Year. I would go back to Beijing every year with my mom so we could partake in the celebration. It's my favorite day of the year. Well, it used to be anyway, not anymore. Now I just want it to be over." She sounded bitter and heartbroken. She almost never cried, in fact the only time she had shed some tears was when her mom had been attacked by an Endarkened and almost killed. She knew how much her mom meant to her. Helen moved her hand to touch her arm but she quickly got out of her seat and left. She just stood there, feeling awful and guilty and like the worst girlfriend ever. She probably was the worst girlfriend ever, she was so caught up in her own pain that she was blinded by it. She didn't see how much Aline was hurting too, how she missed her parents and her home. She felt so disgusted with herself she thought she might throw up. The guilt was eating her up, she was the reason why Aline couldn't spend time with her mom anymore after all. She got up and dumped the remainder of her food away and went after Aline._

 _She was sitting on their bed, reading a letter that Helen knew could only be from her mom. She looked so sad. She sat in front of her girlfriend and waited until she looked up at her._

" _I am so sorry. I feel so horrible, like the worst girlfriend ever, which I probably am really. I didn't know it was a special day for you but that's not an excuse. I should have known. And I should have realized that I'm not the only one who misses their family and who's hurting. I'm sorry I've been so selfish. I'm sorry I've been drawing in my sorrows so much that I haven't been paying attention to you like I should be. I can only say that I'll do better from now on, I promise I'll try much harder to be an actual good girlfriend." Helen shook her head and looked down, ashamed of herself._

" _You used to be much more sure of yourself when we met, Helen Blackthorn. Why are you selling yourself so short?" Aline touched her chin so she would look up._

" _Back then people didn't hate my guts and I felt like I could deserve you." She admitted sadly._

" _People don't hate_ you. _You understand that, right? They don't know you, Helen. They judge you by their idea of you, by what they think your blood does to you but they don't know who you really are. They don't see that you're an amazing Shadowhunter and an amazing person. You're fierce and brave and loyal and loving and caring, you're just so beautiful inside and out. All they see is that you're a half-faerie and since some of the Fair Folk betrayed us then that must mean you're like them but you're not and I know that. You should know that too." Aline was staring into her, searching in her eyes an understanding._

" _I appreciate everything you say but you know, I have flaws too."_

" _Of course you do, we all do. But what many people don't do is try to change and apologize for what they've done."_

" _So…Am I forgiven?" She asked sheepishly._

" _Yes, you are. How could I not forgive you? You know I'm crazy about you." She said matter-of-factly._

" _I don't know what I did to deserve you, Aline Penhallow, but I'm glad I did it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me."_

"You're being too hard on yourself. You're so much better now. You could comfort me easily." She was right, Helen did improve after that day, she lifted herself up to be there for Aline whenever she needed and she tried her hardest to lighten up and they actually shared some really good and happy moments on the Island despite everything.

"But it's different with you. I can hug you and kiss you and you know…" She grinned.

"Well, you can hug and kiss your siblings too, just in a different way." Aline smiled back.

"Not so sure how well that would go…it'd probably just be really awkward." She groaned.

"Look, you just need to allow yourself some time to adjust to them again and to let them adjust to you. To adjust even to being back in LA after all these years. I know that you feel like you've lost so much because they were all so little when you left but baby, they love you. And you love them. That means you'll find a way to reconnect and be a close family again."

"Is there a point in all of that though? I mean…We're only here temporarily, Aline. What if we get really close again only for me to leave one more time? I am still technically exiled, the Clave only allowed me to be here because I'm your wife and you're officially running the Institute for now but that can always change. And that would just break their hearts and my heart again, and after Livvy…I can't do that to them." Helen didn't conceal the fear in her voice. She knew that was why when Aline had told her they were going back to LA she couldn't feel totally happy. She felt like there was a sword hanging very close to her head and any brusque movement would make it come crashing down. The thought of going back to Wrangel Island made her shiver out of sheer terror.

"And you're not going to. We're not going anywhere." Aline sounded so sure of herself that Helen almost believed her.

"You can't know that for sure, babe." She replied with her head down. Her right arm was looped over her wife's shoulders and she was twirling a strand of her straight hair between her fingers, which she did a lot when she was nervous or anxious.

"I trust my mom with all my heart. She's waited a long time to bring us back home, this has been all she's wanted for these past few years too. She tried really hard and she finally did it. And she told me she's going to find a way for us to stay so I believe in that."

"Yeah, your mom has been great." Helen said. Her and Jia's relationship had grown a lot over the years. When she first went to Idris to stay with Aline things were a bit strange between them, they didn't talk so much. She could see Jia was making an effort but that she was wary of her at the same time because she didn't really trust her. She figured she was able to show her just how much she loved her daughter and cared for her well being above all else during the time they had been together. She would be eternally grateful for her loving Aline so much and allowing them to be together during her exile, and also for being her _suggenes,_ giving her away to Helen and welcoming her into her family.

Aline moved her right hand and gently turned Helen's face towards her. She was intensely staring at her eyes. "Trust me. We're not going anywhere." She said softly. Helen pressed her lips against Aline for a few seconds then rested her forehead against her wife's. "I trust you." She whispered.


End file.
